Cleansing myself

Last night I went to sleep feeling optimistic and today I woke up the same way and that’s something pretty weird in me, let me say. I guess after hearing a lot of people, and I mean, really listening to them, carefully I realized that if I want to be happy I have to put off some things for a little while in order to focus on things that are more approachable to accomplish in my present right now.
I was busy, and believe that this was for a long time, thinking about the things that I didn’t have and I really wish I could have. That strong desire of being there, or having that instead of being here and enjoying this prevented me from feeling the NOW.
It’s crazy to think of all the things that I didn’t, (and still I don’t, I’m still learning how to) appreciate because I was worried about all the things I didn’t have.
My head works in a strange way that I can’t totally understand but I can’t do anything but take it as it is and keep trying to figure it out.
As a way to keep myself on the ground and stop flying around in the nonsense I gave up on those things that were out of sight for the moment. I guess that book I read weeks ago has started to have an effect on me finally. You have to dispose certain shit of your past and also from the present in order to clear your mind and start again with a brand new mindset.
It hurts, at least to me, to get rid of those “not right now” things, because for me, putting off things, due to how anxious I am, it means that are not possible, and I came to realize that I was quite wrong about that. It’s hard for me to postpone and don’t do it, or even worse, not being able to do it right away, but as I’m learning life won’t always give you birds and rainbows all the time, sometimes you have to suck it up, just like that.
I’m learning to do what I never thought I would be doing: Embracing the present and letting go things that are not useful for me. I can’t promise anything, all I can promise is that I’m trying and I’m anxious (couldn’t resist) to see the results of this new mental chapter.

PS: Don’t take too long, plz.

Writing my heart out

Tell me where do you put your dreams and all your wishes when you find yourself defeated by the world?
Tell me how you sleep at night knowing that all those crappy sayings about “The impossible just takes a little bit more” laughs at you?
No one knows how much I want this. And even if it was just for a minute, they did not consider that every breath I take is measure by this.
Everytime I watch a movie, a tv show or I see some pictures about NYC my world falls into pieces but not before rubbing my hopes in my face.
I just think I don’t belong here. I really mean it. I feel like it's not worth it to even try it here. And it scares me to death to know that. There’s nothing in store for me here.
I can’t even start to tell you how much it hurts to fill yourself with excitement, illusions, hopes, happiness, joy and freedom and realizing you have to throw all that shit through the garbage.
I can’t stay here anymore, and I don’t want to sound a foolish-naive-innocent poetic girl that lives on movies, typical stories and unreal developments of lives as you see on screen, all I want to say is that I don’t feel I belong here, and what do you have to do when the place you live in it doesn’t feel right at all? It hurts, everybody seems so comfortable with their own skins, doing what they do, following their schedules and I can’t even go a day without feeling I have to get out of here. I’ll always be unhappy if I’m not where I want to be, because your home is not where you were born, your home is where you feel like it. 

In the end

Finally all the monsters went away
Every dark shadow fell into place
There’s no such pleasure
Than watching it all fading away

No heavy weight on my shoulders
No stuck pictures in my head
Present is the perfect landscape
If i need to go somewhere

She was wrong about the past
Nothing last forever if you make it stop
Every drop feels like an ocean
If you dont want to survive

But then again wires and songs saved her
sweet melodies always know how to break her fall
And everytime she hears that song
She realises there’s something to hold on

Nights and clocks, coffee and some drugs
Winter’s just a season, not her living mode
Once you get into her world
You'll see nothing but a storm

A piece of past

It was July two thousand and nine

When he came into my life

It started without noticing

And now I can't do without

Every second was a picture

A copy of what it doesn't last

He left me collecting scars

And having all out of sight

He promised to love me forever

But then he changed his mind

One dark day he waved goodbye

And I just kept repeating "Hi"

It's like a knife inside of my lungs

I can't keep telling myself lies

If you want me to be honest

I know you'll be the one

Even when the time goes by

And the best is waiting outside

I will always carry with me

Every piece of both of us

Prisoner

They say: "Maybe it's not possible, just let it go"

and after that I couldn't hear a single word

This dream I’ve been dreaming of

I will fight it with knives and swords.

There’s nothing that could stop me

Even though I fall apart on the floor

There’s no way this never happen to me

If it’s all I’m waiting for

I have my suitcase at the back of my door

It has been packed a long time ago

Happiness, truth and future

All wrapped up with a knot

Please don’t make me wait anymore

There’s nothing to hold on

I can see myself there

Why can’t you just take me where I belong?

It’s like the heaviest weight on my shoulder

It’s like an anchor stuck into my lungs

How can I live one more day

knowing this maybe will take much more?

It’s hard to see how easy is all in my head

And then go back and feel like hell

This prisoner is waiting to be released

please open the door and let her be free.

Are we fine? (20:05 pm)

I threw away the key and just was held it by the wind. That cold I've never forgot, pounding my chest and freezing my heart, remembering him far away from me.

If you just could be the man I would like to you to be, maybe right now I would have my arms around your neck and I would be feeling the best I could.

But the most of the days I dont feel in my precious story, I dont feel like I am in the right page anymore, you make me change the pages everytime. So.. the most of the times I just see pages but no memories, I dont see myself loving you and I end up looking for an ending.

Dont push me away when I talk to you down, dont blame me for get you down everytime you dont take care of me.. I'm blowing up now, like that bag of residue on the movie, I'm blowing away around you and you dont know because you're wasting your time making excuses like that "You're wrong", "You're selfish thinking on that way" and that things you like to say and think at first step on your mind.

I imagine myself walking the street I‘ve always wanted to walk and thinking about what I really want. I also imagine having the answer in the palm of my hand but I guess It’s not that easy. People become stranger and unknown when you least expect it. I never liked doubts, I always think that if there’s a doubt it’s because there’s something wrong. And many times I feel like a plenty room, full of wrong things, I just wanna feel good, the most I could ever feel. I'm not gonna expect less of that.