Cleansing myself

Last night I went to sleep feeling optimistic and today I woke up the same way and that’s something pretty weird in me, let me say. I guess after hearing a lot of people, and I mean, really listening to them, carefully I realized that if I want to be happy I have to put off some things for a little while in order to focus on things that are more approachable to accomplish in my present right now.
I was busy, and believe that this was for a long time, thinking about the things that I didn’t have and I really wish I could have. That strong desire of being there, or having that instead of being here and enjoying this prevented me from feeling the NOW.
It’s crazy to think of all the things that I didn’t, (and still I don’t, I’m still learning how to) appreciate because I was worried about all the things I didn’t have.
My head works in a strange way that I can’t totally understand but I can’t do anything but take it as it is and keep trying to figure it out.
As a way to keep myself on the ground and stop flying around in the nonsense I gave up on those things that were out of sight for the moment. I guess that book I read weeks ago has started to have an effect on me finally. You have to dispose certain shit of your past and also from the present in order to clear your mind and start again with a brand new mindset.
It hurts, at least to me, to get rid of those “not right now” things, because for me, putting off things, due to how anxious I am, it means that are not possible, and I came to realize that I was quite wrong about that. It’s hard for me to postpone and don’t do it, or even worse, not being able to do it right away, but as I’m learning life won’t always give you birds and rainbows all the time, sometimes you have to suck it up, just like that.
I’m learning to do what I never thought I would be doing: Embracing the present and letting go things that are not useful for me. I can’t promise anything, all I can promise is that I’m trying and I’m anxious (couldn’t resist) to see the results of this new mental chapter.

PS: Don’t take too long, plz.

Writing my heart out

Tell me where do you put your dreams and all your wishes when you find yourself defeated by the world?
Tell me how you sleep at night knowing that all those crappy sayings about “The impossible just takes a little bit more” laughs at you?
No one knows how much I want this. And even if it was just for a minute, they did not consider that every breath I take is measure by this.
Everytime I watch a movie, a tv show or I see some pictures about NYC my world falls into pieces but not before rubbing my hopes in my face.
I just think I don’t belong here. I really mean it. I feel like it's not worth it to even try it here. And it scares me to death to know that. There’s nothing in store for me here.
I can’t even start to tell you how much it hurts to fill yourself with excitement, illusions, hopes, happiness, joy and freedom and realizing you have to throw all that shit through the garbage.
I can’t stay here anymore, and I don’t want to sound a foolish-naive-innocent poetic girl that lives on movies, typical stories and unreal developments of lives as you see on screen, all I want to say is that I don’t feel I belong here, and what do you have to do when the place you live in it doesn’t feel right at all? It hurts, everybody seems so comfortable with their own skins, doing what they do, following their schedules and I can’t even go a day without feeling I have to get out of here. I’ll always be unhappy if I’m not where I want to be, because your home is not where you were born, your home is where you feel like it.